The current defeat of the grey-brown creature

[anigo]

I haven't posted in a while. I was thinking about that on my way to work this morning, and I thought it's probably because I haven't had much exciting to post about, but I think it's more along the lines that I haven't been thinking much, just happily motoring along on autopilot.

However, this morning Richard informs me there was a rock chip in the windshield of the car which has subsequently turned into a decent crack. (History bite: Two years ago I smashed our brand new car. There were some really negative things associated with that memory - Richard being ticked while I was in the hospital, for example. I still secretly have my doubts that Richard's fogiven me about that and it's been a sore spot with us ever since.) So all morning I was battling that grey-brown creature that had moved to perifery of my vision for the past couple of months.

But the good news is I think I won. Richard wasn't really gentle about it, but he didn't blame me - well he asked me if I got hit by a rock, which I did, but I tried not to read too much accusation into it. I started on the self depreciating talk "I'm hard on gear", "I'm just stupid" etc. but I stopped myself and tried to talk myself out of it. Now, I've discovered that the best way of battling the grey-brown creature is to not battle her at all, but to ignore her and she goes away, so talking yourself out of the self depreciating talk doesn't really work. Reminding yourself, however, that using the grey-brown creature as a crutch to look for self pity or pity from others is not a productive thing, is a very successful tool in battling (or ignoring) the grey-brown creature.

So currently the grey-brown creature is off nursing her battle wounds somewhere I can't see her. And that's ok with me.

Comments

Hmmm

[64tbird.livejournal.com]

Interesting.

You know my friend Cerval - I think you are on each others friends lists? Anyway - she's sort of monitoring my house until it's not mine anymore. We've been out about 3 weeks now, and she went it while I was in Yellowstone only to be hit in the face with my grey brown creatures - in tangible energy form. The house was cold, clammy and WRONG. She traced the feeling and found it eminating from two places - my old wedding hat upstairs and the petals from my bouquet way the hell down in the basement by the hot water heater. The grey-brown monster where I'd left it, ignored. ACK.

Thankfully, Cerval is a little closer connected to this stuff than the average human, and thankfully also she knows what to do about it, so with support from someone as strong or maybe slightly stronger than herself, she purged the house.

Am I rambling? Oh yeah.

Do I have a point? I think so.

Highlander. (It all comes back to Highlander, doesn't it?) Don't battle the grey brown (Ahriman) monster. But one can't hide from it either. (Tibet is a damn long way from Nova Scotia.) I think one has to find a place for it within oneself, accept that it's part of oneself.

Still incoherent, ain't I?

Okay - let's use me as an example, holding on to this stuff for some reason that I can't really explain. I wasn't battling it. But I wasn't accepting it either. I was ignoring it. And ignoring it allowed it to grow on it's own. (Ahriman without Duncan.... think of that.) Cerval telling me what occured when I left was kind of scary. I thought I'd done my own rituals to remove that stuff, I thought I'd cleared the house. All I'd done was burn some sage as an excuse to let myself ignore the choices I'd made. Sage burned, all done.

Nope.
What I needed/need to do is accept the decisions I'd made, accept that it really was me who made them, and take responsibility for the consequences. I need/needed to do what Duncan did; realized that Ahriman/the grey brown monster is part of me and make a place for it, learn from it, and move on. Don't battle it. Don't ignore it. Face it, embrace it, move on. Whether it's in the form of a small bad moment like picking a bad roommate or a big bad moment like a car accident. Realize I survived it, it's made me who I am. It's part of the fabric that is Tracy.

Tracy has driven her car off the highway, she has lied to teachers, she has failed to be organized and missed bill payments, she has yelled at her kids, and had bad relationships that hurt her. She has put her foot in her mouth more than once.

Tracy has also rappelled off a cliff (several cliffs actually) and climbed back up, she has walked the streets of NYC without dying, she has been touched by strong spiritual presence. She has ridden horseback in the moonlight. She has seen the Empire State Building, the Eiffel Tower, Buckingham Palace, Crough Patrick in Ireland, Niagara Falls, right whales, towering redwood forests, geysers, dolphins close enough to pet. She has loved. She has been loved.

All the fabric of Tracy. Only part of the fabric of Tracy.

What's in the fabric of Gina? I'm sure there may be some threadbare spots, or a stain or two, but I know for the fact that the overall fabric is strong and beautiful. So there.

Fabric of Gina

[anigo.livejournal.com]

I think that my grey-brown monster is only a minion of the greater negative force that resides within me. One of the tools of this dark force is the grey-brown monster, which also goes by the name self doubt, depression, etc, etc. Let's call it a hierarcial kind of thing. The negative force is the boss and the grey-brown monster (or more like monsters) do the bidding. Very rarely do I battle the boss, but the grey-brown monsters are always planning attacks and I've spent much of my life on the defensive - hiding from the monsters, as opposed to confronting them or confronting the force behind the monsters. Why? Dunno. Maybe because I haven't really been able to find the source of the force to battle it. Maybe I hadn't really even realized it was there before. Maybe I assumed if I kill all the monsters, the force would just go away because it didn't have any power anymore. Maybe I'm just a big wimp This may require more pondering, I think.

I do know that the good force, the Gina force has grown significantly stronger in the past year or so. And has scared away many of the grey-brown monsters. Through school, work, sailing and friends she's become Super Amazon Gina. Maybe I assumed if the dark force would just become afraid of SAG (HA!) it too would go away on it's own. However, I don't think it will really ever go away. Perhaps on a more basic level it's a physical thing - A lack of some chemical receptor or another in my poor little head. Again, it will require more pondering.

But the truth of the matter is, it makes me who I am. If it weren't for the fact that the monsters are there and that I can recognize them, then I don't think I'd have the strength that I do now. Every battle with every monster makes me stronger, just as every rep/set on the weight machine makes the muscle-man stronger. In the end (or at least so far) I always win the battles with the monsters, it's just some of them take longer than others. Sometimes I come out the other end licking my wounds, and sometimes I come out with a great sense of power and accomplishment. On the other hand, every time I accomplish something that doesn't involve the monsters, I'm making my fortress a little stronger. In Outlander there is a quote where Jamie says something along the lines of everybody's soul is surrounded by a fortress, his fortress has been blown up and the naked thing inside is running around looking for shelter. (Ok, it's not even close, but those of you who've read the book (and loved it as I do) should know what I'm talking about). Every good sail, every time I finish a course, I'm adding a brick to the fortress.

But there are some monsters that only continue to battle, even if I know in my head I've won. In not fighting them, they just go away. Sure, they'll be back, but there are times where battling them would only prolong their being on the battlefield and will not result in a significant victory for our side. These are the monsters which will only give up once the dark force is vanquished and that will probably never be - as that force is me, just as the Amazon Gina force is me.

The realization I've come to in the past couple of months is that the monsters used to overpower me a lot of the time, however somehow I came to the realization that I could use those monsters as a crutch. "I can't do it because I'm afraid." I grow stronger, but yet when the monsters gain the upper hand, I use them as an excuse for backing off - for looking for sympathy. The monsters are winning, poor me. This, in itself, is another monster. This is the one I choose to ignore, and in doing this, I've battled yet another monster - and won.

These are the battles that make up the War known as Gina.

This makes no sense whatsoever, I know, but it's me.