More Car Musings
Sep. 4th, 2003 09:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anigoSo I've decided I do my best thinking in the car, or in the shower. I come up with my best ideas in the shower. I do my best mulling over life's little crap in the car.
I am so very happy with 90% of my life.
I am a SAILOR, dammit, an ocean-racing-class-sailinga-against-people-who-sail-in-the-America's-Cup-and-I'm-not-going-to-puke, SAILOR! And I love it, and it loves me. I'm a STUDENT!!!! I am learning and expanding and would have had an A- average were it not for those stupid economics courses... but a B is as good as anything. And it's actually kinda fun. I'm an ACCOUNT MANAGER!!!!! I have worked hard to be in management with no eduation other than a year of secretarial school. Hard work and overtime and keenness and paying attention has paid off. I have accounts that love me, I have accounts that are a challenge that I am able to rise above, I have people who respect me in my field. That's pretty damn cool. I am a MOTHER of an amazing amazing amazing child!!!!!! I tend to somehow (very wrongly) put this last as one of my accomplishments, but she's so wonderful. She's graceful and smart and fun and pretty and witty and everything I could ever want her to be. And she loves me completely - more than I deserve sometimes, I'm sure. I have the most WONDERFUL friends. Friends who have an idea of who I really am and like me none the less. I don't have tonnes and tonnes of them. Sure, I've got lots of acquaintences I'd go see a movie with, but as for core friends, I have more than one, and there are many people who don't have that.
So why does the 10% of my life overshadow the remaining 90%? I actually work well under stress. I actually enjoy challenge and being busy and all that stuff. So why am I so blah this week, aside from PMS? Because I am alone. I have friends, and family, but I am really just alone. And for the most part that's ok with me. I'm pretty good at being alone. But every once in a while it would be nice to know that I'm not alone.
Which brings me to my better half. I don't not love him. I do love my house and my child and the way things are set up right now. It's not a home filled with passion, that's for sure, but we assist each other in day to day stuff. Maybe that's all old married people end up being. You pay the mortgage, I'll pay the power bill, you make the kid's lunch, I'll make the dentist's appt. But at the end of the day, it would be really nice to have somebody listen, really listen, to how my day went. Have somebody touch me without it having to lead to sex. Have somebody be glad to see me - not grump at me because I'm not pulling my fair share of letting the dog out, or because I don't have enough money to cover this term's gymnastics fees, or because the floor's dirty and I haven't done anything about it.
The bottom line is, that when you weigh the pros and the cons, I'm still left with loving 90% of my life, and were I to try to do anything about the remaining 10% it would, no doubt, have a serious detremental affect on the good 90%. So, As I've told my self before, I've made my choice, I've just got to put up with it.
But it would be nice...
I am so very happy with 90% of my life.
I am a SAILOR, dammit, an ocean-racing-class-sailinga-against-people-who-sail-in-the-America's-Cup-and-I'm-not-going-to-puke, SAILOR! And I love it, and it loves me. I'm a STUDENT!!!! I am learning and expanding and would have had an A- average were it not for those stupid economics courses... but a B is as good as anything. And it's actually kinda fun. I'm an ACCOUNT MANAGER!!!!! I have worked hard to be in management with no eduation other than a year of secretarial school. Hard work and overtime and keenness and paying attention has paid off. I have accounts that love me, I have accounts that are a challenge that I am able to rise above, I have people who respect me in my field. That's pretty damn cool. I am a MOTHER of an amazing amazing amazing child!!!!!! I tend to somehow (very wrongly) put this last as one of my accomplishments, but she's so wonderful. She's graceful and smart and fun and pretty and witty and everything I could ever want her to be. And she loves me completely - more than I deserve sometimes, I'm sure. I have the most WONDERFUL friends. Friends who have an idea of who I really am and like me none the less. I don't have tonnes and tonnes of them. Sure, I've got lots of acquaintences I'd go see a movie with, but as for core friends, I have more than one, and there are many people who don't have that.
So why does the 10% of my life overshadow the remaining 90%? I actually work well under stress. I actually enjoy challenge and being busy and all that stuff. So why am I so blah this week, aside from PMS? Because I am alone. I have friends, and family, but I am really just alone. And for the most part that's ok with me. I'm pretty good at being alone. But every once in a while it would be nice to know that I'm not alone.
Which brings me to my better half. I don't not love him. I do love my house and my child and the way things are set up right now. It's not a home filled with passion, that's for sure, but we assist each other in day to day stuff. Maybe that's all old married people end up being. You pay the mortgage, I'll pay the power bill, you make the kid's lunch, I'll make the dentist's appt. But at the end of the day, it would be really nice to have somebody listen, really listen, to how my day went. Have somebody touch me without it having to lead to sex. Have somebody be glad to see me - not grump at me because I'm not pulling my fair share of letting the dog out, or because I don't have enough money to cover this term's gymnastics fees, or because the floor's dirty and I haven't done anything about it.
The bottom line is, that when you weigh the pros and the cons, I'm still left with loving 90% of my life, and were I to try to do anything about the remaining 10% it would, no doubt, have a serious detremental affect on the good 90%. So, As I've told my self before, I've made my choice, I've just got to put up with it.
But it would be nice...
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Well....
Date: 2003-09-04 07:12 am (UTC)But it would be nice...
Well, there are things you can do without changing the situation, but improving it. I'm not sure what would work for you, but I think it's mostly mental, and since you are mostly mental, and I am mostly mental,I'm sure we can think up something....
I keep having the words "attitude adjustment" pop into my head, and it sounds harsh and it's not meant to be harsh, it's just the words in my head. And I think they mean subtle things... and as I started to write ideas, but then I remembered you describing your partner and none of them fit. Maybe it requires brick between the eyes subtlety. Tease tease tease at dinner and while watching TV, and then don't let him have any (Cue "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer, followed by En Vogue singing "You're Never Gonna Get It").... By the time he's going insane, he'll do anything you want. Let it last days, until you are good and excited and ready. Then put his hands exactly where you want them, tell him exactly what you need.... That's a form of passion, and you have the control. AND you get what you want.
Worth a try.... since the traditional resume isn't working... ;-)
And I'm sure there are other ideas out there, I'm just not creative enough to conjure up....
Re: Well....
Date: 2003-09-04 07:14 am (UTC)I guess 'cos I want you to be 100% happy.
I'm just selfish that way.